Single Mum - Life As I Live It

Katie needs a new lunch box and has asked for a My Little Pony one. I know I can't get one in town so last night I went on the internet to find one......

On the Woolworths website, which is totally impossible to find your way around, I typed in "lunch box" and clicked search. There was only one item that matched my search - a book called "Box Lunch - The Layman's Guide to Cunnilingus" which isn't quite what I was looking for!! I double checked but it was definately the Woolworths site, not Ann Summers or anything even vaguely risque.

On a different site I found an "instant inflatable lunchbox" which I thought was a neat idea until I realised it wasn't that sort of lunch box but some bizarre WonderBra for men that you tuck down the front of your trousers to impress the ladies......not really suitable for putting your sandwiches in!

Four hours (yes, four hours!) later I finally found a My Little Pony lunch bag and flask with the added bonus of free delivery so I went to bed square eyed but happy to dream about lunch boxes that were going past in the style of the Generation Game. Next year she can have a plain pink one and lump it!

When Katie was younger she liked playing with toy cars. Even though she is now a huge My Little Pony fan, she still refuses to wear skirts or dresses so I guess she's a bit of a tomboy.....or at least that was until today.

Zoe had promised Katie a manicure for her birthday and today was the first time we could fit it in so we met up for lunch before Zoe took Katie to the nail bar or whatever it's called.

Katie's nails are now baby pink with sparkly hot pink tips and a gem on each finger - not quite what I was imagining although I don't really know why I'm suprised. Problem is that now she won't wash her hands because she doesn't want the nail polish to come off before she has chance to show Glyn and Kirsty tomorrow!

Phonecall from Andy last night made me realise I really should be blonde:

Andy - I'm going to Caroline's tomorrow
Me - Caroline?
Andy - Caroline Davies
Me - Who?
Andy - she was at the wedding
Me - what wedding? We haven't been to a wedding
Andy - erm......our wedding?!
Me - oops

My excuse is that it was over seven years ago and we have been aeparated for two and a half years!

Dropped Katie off at her friend's house to play this morning, by the time I went back to pick her up she had morphed into SuperGirl complete with magic wand, cape and belt. The Caped Crusader and I got some very strange looks as we walked home!

Kirsty came round with the girls on their bikes this evening - I decided to get my own back on some noisy neighbours by letting all three kids play out the front under the pretence of teaching Katie to ride without stabilisers......they made plenty of noise but learning to ride the bike was a complete non-starter because "if I fall off it might hurt". Wuss!

Sometimes being a single mum really sucks. Even though I have just been paid I still have no money because all my direct debits have come out. Getting short of food now, essentially we are living out the freezer....obviously I cook it first!

Have had to borrow some money from Andy to get the things Katie needs before she goes back to school - shoes, trainers, gym shoes, lunch box, school trousers, you name it she seems to need it. He's always willing to lend me money but I hate having to ask.

Looked through my Open University things today while Katie was out with Andy and it doesn't look as impossible as I first thought so that's good news. There are some really useful tips for organising my work, gathering research etc. so hopefully the actual essays should be relatively easy.

Sunday tomorrow - our lazy day. I was up at 6.30am thid morning which wasn't planned so I am now exceptionally tired.

For once the weather forecast was right. Katie and I went for a picnic in the park with Kirsty, her two girls, Sara and Logan. Was too lazy to ,ake picnic food so popped into the bakers in town and bought sandwiches, pasties, cheese straws, cakes etc. along with plenty of drinks and a paper for me to read.

Things got off to a bad start when Sara came and wanted to dry the bench so she could sit down. I had remembered to bring a towel (it chucked it down last night) but she ended up wiping all the water onto some kids coat that they'd left on the floor - oops.

Just to prove that things happen in threes, Katie then fell off the big swings twice on the trot but did manage to get herself going by swinging her legs which meant I didn't have to push her too much yippee!

We're meeting Glyn in the morning for coffee, Steve is poorly so her plans have changed - I hope he gets better soon, I haven't bought my mini skirt yet!

Andy is coming tomorrow to take Katie out - either to a children's farm or to an indoor soft play centre depending on the weather. Either way, they will be out of the house and out of my way!

Decided to pig out tonight and ordered kebab meat and chips from the take away which was devine but now I am sooo full I can't move. Serves me right for being greedy.

Igor the text-stalker has been freaking Lucy out a bit - he invited her to a party, hoping to entice her with the offer of a free bottle of Smirnoff Ice.....the cheapskate! I know about the credit crunch and all that but surely if he wants to impress her he needs to push the boat out a bit more!

Woke up hearing Katie screaming, shot out of bed - no glasses, a bit dizzy from standing up too quickly - only to discover it wasn't Katie but my next-door neighbour Sara's son. Felt very foolish because I should be able to tell the difference between my own six year old and her very nearly one year old and went back to bed. Failed to get back to sleep so got up, washed, dressed and made a cup of tea. Went outside for a smoke just as Katie decided to get up and ask for breakfast - great.

Andy is now officially a Special which I am sure is different from being special.....something I reserve for Katie as a rule. He came bearing lunch again - who needs a tea lady?! - and a PS2 game for Katie so everyone was happy. He wasn't here long but is back again on Saturday when he's taking Katie out somewhere thank goodness!

This afternoon started with a knock at the door and a very small man with a very large parcel. It turned out to be all my coursework, textbooks, list of assignments etc. for the Open University course which I'm starting in September and, to be honest, it freaked me out a bit. I did well at school but by the time I did my A-levels I had got a bit bored and didn't really work as well as I should have done. It's 13 years since I last did any sort of studying or wrote an essay so the whole thing is quite daunting to say the least. Had a look through the textbook and it certainly looks interesting but will that be enough to motivate me? Self-motivation is not something I have by the bucketful!

Hoping the weather picks up tomorrow - its been raining all afternoon - so Katie and I can go to the park with Kirsty and her two girls. I need Kirsty to educate me on USB storage devices or something - I am a total techincal dinosaur and need things like that explaining in as few words as possible. I think it might be a good idea to have one to store my coursework on so hopefully Kirsty can tell me what I need - even better if she can do all the research for me and just present me with an Argos catalogue number or something!

Managed to get the housework done earlier today but it now looks like a bomb has gone off again - thanks Katie! - so I don't know why I bother. Zoe has bought me a mug which says "My house was tidy yesterday - sorry you missed it" which just about sums up my attitude to housework!

Managed to have a brief MSN chat with Clive during which he showed me a picture of his truly magnificent cock........that's as in cockerel, not anything rude you understand. Its become a bit of a standing joke between us and provides us both with plenty of double entendres. Of course, the best thing to do when you come across a double entendre is to whip it out and let everyone see it but, as Steve pointed out the other day, you might get done for flashing! Touche Steve!

Stayed up too late last night watching a repeat of the Most Haunted investigation of the Muckleborough Collection which explains why I'm tired - that and the muggy weather - but it looks set to be another late night tonight because Whines and Spirits is on the Paranormal Channel. And of course the three night Most Haunted Live starts at the end of next month. Phew!

Today is pay day which is a bonus because my direct debits start coming out tomorrow and I should just about have enough money in the bank to cover them all. Noting spare to go in my savings account though so another month with good intentions but nothing for a rainy day.

If the road to Hell really is paved with good intentions then I can accurately predict which way I'm going when I die!

My cousin in Brazil is being text-stalked by some random bloke. Not too bizarre yet as she is both young (until September when she catches me up!) and blonde but this guy goes by the name of Igor. That's right, Igor. Now maybe its just me but that name makes me think of dodgy horror movies and hunchbacks and things, doesn't it you?

He's been shortening her name - most people don't bother, her name isn't that long anyway, it's Lucy! - and saying he's known her for years......possibly since before he entered a dodgy eastern european time warp and adopted the name Igor.

I suggested that he might turn out to be a total Adonis but Lucy remains sceptical and I suppose with a name like that it is slightly unlikely. He can't even spell Portuguese apparently which, smugly, I can although it has been pointed out to me that the official language of Brazil isn't Brazilian after all but, you guessed it, Portuguese so maybe I shouldn't be too smug.

So back to Igor, in his faux-Transylvanian castle on the outskirts of Rio (or wherever he lives!) the question is who is this guy and why is he texting Lucy?

Will her ever reveal his identity? Will anyone care if he does? I would say watch this space but I don't much care myself, I think I've poked fun at this poor guy enough already!

Into town this morning for coffee with friends - Kirsty and her two girls, Glyn with her granddaughter Erin and me with Katie. Last time Katie met Erin she pretended to be asleep just so Erin would stop talking to her but today Erin was very quiet owing to a sore throat which pleased Katie!

The waitress (stroppy at the best of times!) decided it would be absolutely hilarious to tip a jug of milk all over me - while I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose it kept Kirsty amused for a good ten minutes.....at my expense! Good job it wasn't a mug of scalding hot coffee! Apparently the waitress was absolutely mortified and I should think so too, it was all over my jeans which meant I couldn't very well go shopping and had to put them in the wash as soon as I got home before they started to smell!

Gave Glyn the stick of diabetic rock for Steve - hope he doesn't eat it all at once because it says it can have a laxative effect....nice! I tried to find him a diabetic sugar dummy to shut him up but there weren't any and the only rude rock I could find was shaped like willies and I don't think he'd appreciate those to suck on (!!) although if I'd been able to find a pair of boobs it would have been a different kettle of fish I'm sure!

Steve has decided that once he's dead he wants a glass coffin and for me, Kirsty and another single-mum-friend Zoe to sit on top of it in mini skirts.....each to their own I suppose! What he doesn't know is that if he wasn't already dead that sight would be guaranteed to finish him off! Its a good job he's in a wheelchair (sorry Steve!) because at least Glyn can keep him vaguely under control!

Decided to tackle Katie's bedroom when we got home, wish I'd never started now! She has about a million My Little Ponies (no, I'm not exaggerating) and they all have bits and bobs to go with them. I'm sure the damned things are breeding when I'm not looking. Managed to get her to part with a few books which I promptly sent to Kirsty's - less clutter in my house, more clutter in hers!

Kirsty bought all the bread mix in Tesco today but very kindly dropped one round for me - shame she didn't cook it as well! Loving the breadmaker though, its sooooo easy to use even I can do it and I am a bit of a technical dinosaur. Clive was telling me about his USB stick and MP3 player the other day and I seriously did not have a clue what he was talking about.......that's quite shameful given that he is way older than me.

This afternoon Katie and I are going to start an under the sea collage - her idea not mine (obviously!) - using a book she got out the library yeaterday. She has also asked Andy to get some arty crafty stuff for at his house - poor bloke doesn't have a clue what he's let himself in for but better that she makes a mess in his house than mine.

Andy gets sworn in or whatever they call it as a Special COnstable tomorrow - nothing Special about him in my opinion but there you go - and might be popping in here on his way back. I hope so because he's got Katie a new PS2 game and she's going to be nagging on about it all day so he might as well make a detour to drop it off.

Payday tomorrow - yippee! - although it won't be very much because I took part in the strike action by Unison earlier this month. So long as its enough to pay the bills I don't care. I work at Katie's school part time, my wages are more like pocket money than anyhing else!

I got a parcel in the post today which was hugely exciting and made a change from the usual junk mail and bills. Written on the back was "URGENT - Contains Chest Medication" which threw me slightly until I realised my adopted dad (I adopted him!) had sent me 40 duty free fags so happy days.

Just another normal day in the bizarre parallel world I seem to live in!

Head to the library to register Katie for the summer reading challenge, Team Read. Book her in for the activity session at the end of next month but without checking my diary so I've probably double booked myself - nothing new there!

With last night's screaming fit still ringing in my ears I pick up a book which "guarantees you a better behaved child in four weeks" but short of swapping her on Freecycle or something I don't fancy my chances! Katie reminds me of Kevin and Perry now so God help me when she really is a teenager!

Arranged to go and stay with my mum for a few days next month which gives me the chance to catch up with some old friends - I don't go home very often, mainly because I have a love/hate relationship with my mum and the further apart we are the better.

Katie wants to see The Fox and The Child film but Andy doesn't think it will be suitable so I ring him at lunchtime to tell him I've seen the trailer and it looks ok to me....despite it being 1pm I wake him up - suppose I should let him off, he is working nights at the moment. She wants to see Kung Fu Panda too but I doubt she'd sit still for a whole movie so better to rent it on DVD methinks. Andy has already seen Kung Fu Panda - he went with his latest squeeze the other week - a strange choice of film in my opinion but then the last time I went to the cinema was to see Jingle All The Way which was a hugely cheesy Christmas movie with Arnie in it and that was probably about 1995!

Kirsty came round with her youngest this afternoon and while we sat outside putting the world to rights the girls played on their Nintendo DSs - what is the plural of Nintendo DS?! Sara was out doing some gardening and wanted to borrow the entire contents of my shed to help her or so it seemed. Apparently she was weeding but most of what she dug up was poppies and cornflowers so the thistles have survived to live another day!

Washed Katie's hair with strawberry shampoo and cherry conditioner then washed her with some devine strawberry milkshake soap from Honeyz - www.honeyzbathproducts.co.uk - so both she and the bathroom smell like a fruit salad.....could smell of worse things I suppose.

Tomorrow we are meeting some friends for coffee and because we've just got back from holiday I need to remember to take the presents we bought with us. Kirsty has already had hers but Glyn has got a slice of sticky toffee soap cake (Honeyz again!) and a stick of diabetic rock for her husband Steve. For once I haven't bought Steve anything rude!

I've got such a huge pile of ironing to do tonight that it is beginning to resemble Mount Everest but both Katie and I are in danger of having nothing to wear so I simply must get it done - I hate ironing and putting it off just makes it worse when I finally do get round to doing it.

Time to get Katie ready for bed now, just time to swap a few double entendres with my old friend Clive who I've known since forever or at least thats how it feels sometimes. He's my total opposite in everything except playing with words......and now he'll have something to say because he's had a mention on here!

Wake up late which means I have to rush to get Katie her medicine - she's got antibiotics for a throat infection and they have to be taken one hour before food so getting up at 9am isn't a good start!

Today Andy has Katie for four hours, he arrives at twelve o'clock bearing lunch - sandwiches for me and him and a pasty for Katie. I ask him what he's got planned and it turns out he's just seeing Katie here rather than taking her out somewhere. Great. This isn't unusual - he works odd shifts as a firefighter and can't always take her out - but I was hoping for some peace and quiet today.

Despatch them upstairs to play and check my Facebook. My friend Kirsty has sent me a dancing banana - have to ask her about that one later - and a Toblerone which isn't much good for someone with a nut allergy! Kirsty is a single mum like me and her eldest daughter has juvenile diabetes and coeliac disease so she has her hands full.

My cousin Lucy is living and working in Brazil at the moment so I have a look at her profile to see what she's been up to - half her wall posts are in Brazilian or whatever they speak over there so I can't make head or tail of them.

Andy leaves at four o'clock, neglecting to mention that they've had loads of toys out in Katie's room and haven't tidied up - Katie follows his lead and keeps schtum! I find the mess at bedtime and hit the roof, with Andy more than Katie. Never mind, it can wait til tomorrow.

Katie tickles downstairs at about 8.30pm saying she can't sleep and demanding a new book to read, a drink, the light on, you name it she wants it. I send her back to bed with a flea in her ear - she didn't ask for that! - but within minutes she is standing at the top of the stairs screaming blue murder. Apparently I have stolen her bracelet which is news to me because I haven't seen it all day. I escape outside for a cigarette to calm down and to protect my hearing!

My nieghbour Sara comes out for a smoke too, another single mum - I seem to attract them! Her son Logan has settled fine and because he is a lot younger then Katie she finds the screaming coming from my house mildly amusing. Thanks for the support! Three cigarettes later and I start to feel a bit better. Stick my head in the door and ask Katie if she's finished yet and find she has fallen asleep in a heap on the landing. jolly good!

Shovel Katie into bed, heave a sigh of relief and head downstairs to watch tv and chill out. Another typical day.